Yesterday was lonely. While families gathered together in celebration of Easter filling it with whatever meaning or tradition closest to their heart, my husband and I experienced a quiet day at home.
My face book feeds filled up with Easter Blessings and people sharing a walk through their lives on this holiday.
I felt a twinge of pain as the memories of hiding eggs for my own children in the past surfaced. As the memories of my grandparents and Easter dinners from the past filled my mind. All Easter dinners stopped on that side of the family after they died.
We took a drive by the home where I grew up and Ryan commented how in just 10 years from now the landscape will be even more different than it already was. I made up my mind there and then to be grateful for the memories in my mind even if they were few and scattered. Its true sometimes the memory of just where a tree once stood can ease the loneliness of the future.
But still I wondered why I felt so sad. Until this morning I remembered just where I stood a few years ago at Easter time all smiles and happy until the gremlin stole that happiness and replaced it with “she’s phys co” I attempted to fill the void of family by attending the other side of my families Easter celebrations. I guess even though they all greeted me with a smile they all thought I was pretty stupid to paint my face like a rabbit and it wasn’t until later when someone told me they were just making fun of me (not being nice to me)
That was the last Easter I felt any kind of joy in a Savior who had risen for me. Oh I know some of you understand how hard it is to celebrate life when all around us is emptied of life. When feeling a connection to anyone means rolling a thousand stones away from our devastated hopes and giving life another chance. 9 times out of 10 it usually lets us down.
As a child I used to just stand on the playground just in case someone wanted to play with me. I didn’t want them to hurt if I wasn’t there and yet the entire time I stood alone without a friend, I hurt.
I told my husband last night I get that feeling still today that I am standing waiting on the playground of life just in case someone wants to connect with me and they never do and it hurts waiting for something that will never come and yet I still do it. Rooted like a tree inside a landscape of emptiness. “I’m standing right on that playground with you now” , he said
Today I have made up my mind to move just a little inside my own stuck long gone family tradition closer to the ending of a story well told and well remembered tale. Where I was a part of a family and a family was a part of me.
I missed you this Easter
Family an anchor in rough waters (I now see this quote 2 ways)
So what is the point in reading a blog if the reader is just left with a somber feeling and sadness. I was thinking that after I posted the above and decided to return here. I have always felt the need to inspire others and bring happiness into their world. This blog especially stands sort of like a tomb full of pain and sorrow.
I believe the first step in being able to accept any painful moment is to be truly honest about how that moment made us feel and be truly honest about what that moment changed in us.
Sometimes families can be mended but sometimes they can’t. Life changes from one moment to the next and just because something is here today does not always mean it will be here tomorrow. The constant that will remain through your life is YOU and You alone. People will come and people will go. Perhaps in ways we are like a tree planted on solid ground and the only assurance we can really have in life is not found in others but rather found in our own choosing.
Silence is deafening until I speak.